The two weirdest women ever

Most of you, the blog readers, are my friends, so you know a bit about me by now. Even those with whom I don’t have a personal relationship, if you’ve read these posts for very long, are aware there’ve been some oddball women in my life. Granted, you’ve only heard my side of it, and there’s not much chance I’d ever let any of my exes write a guest column, so you probably won’t hear from them. However, I’ll give some space today to the two weirdest women in memory for one big reason.

Both women are “semi-homeless”.

For starters, that terminology pisses me off. When someone tries to say they’re homeless and aren’t, it angers me. Damn it, being homeless means living in a car, or a shelter, or in an alley. Perhaps sleeping in old boxes behind a supermarket. It does not include anyone who sleeps under a roof, with come & go privileges, three meals per day, warm blankets and no cops waking you up at night. It does not include anyone who sleeps in the same place every night, has access to a kitchen, sets their own time for going to bed and getting up each day. It does not include those who don’t get rousted for being too long in one place or who wear clean, freshly laundered clothing every day.

One weird woman is a semi-retired attorney. She gave me advice on the phone for free in my 1998-1999 divorce and I thought she was a nice person. I heard she’d hit hard times when I was homeless and tried to return the favor. She went ballistic on the phone very time she heard anything she didn’t like.

After I was “paroled” from being homeless, I agreed to store a bunch of things she was paying $125 per month to keep in a locker. During the pickup, she talked incessantly for two hours and 15 minutes, never shutting up, and most of what she said was to no one. She spoke to thin air, or a wall, then turned to the two guys I hired to load the truck, both of ‘em homeless. She insulted me the entire time, often in my presence but still not to my face, and tried to continue by e-mail for months afterward. Periodic insults come to this blog as comments, but I delete ‘em. She eventually sued me in small claims court, (this is an attorney?), and was awarded $400 by the judge. Good luck with that, as I’m uncollectable. No assets, minimal income.

The second is even weirder. An oddball woman I let stay with me for two weeks who drove me nuts from the first day. She’s too stupid to close a door. I mean it. Same doors, time and time and time again, including my front door. Left unlocked and open. Made loud noises every a.m. in my kitchen to wake me up at six or seven, albeit I go to bed at four or five o’clock every morning. She has a deranged German shorthair bitch, (a similarity with its owner), who’s as neurotic as she is. It tried to attack me half a dozen times in my own home. She complained about my kitchen, then left a bigger mess than any man I’ve ever known.

Too stupid to use another pathway, she also woke me up every day when I had to nap due to my diabetes. Opened the door, tromped through the living room, then ran water and used the microwave when she knew I needed 15-20 minutes of silence. I managed to get her out of here yesterday, April 17^th, and feel the same relief I enjoyed whenever any of my four divorces was final.

She, too, was purportedly “semi-homeless” … with over $1,200 per month income from Social Security. Hell, if I’d had that kind of money, I would’ve never been homeless in the first place. Maybe she is now, as she had only that deranged dog and a ’99 Lexus SUV with all her crap jammed in it when she left … plus that income.

Never thought I’d be able to say anything like this, but that’s one person who deserves to be homeless. As much as my heart aches for almost all the others on whose behalf I battle every day, those two stand out in memory. If I was drinking beer and either one of ‘em were to catch fire, I’d piss in the other direction.

I’m just sayin’.

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