Guess you could say I’m a “both sides guy” on that issue. There certainly have been a number of times in my life, well into three digits, quite possibly four, where it’s what I’ve needed. Prayed for. Languished over.
Flipping that one over to the other side, there’ve been a substantial number of times I’ve had to give it. It’s almost never easy. If it was effortless, it would mean I wasn’t transgressed in the first place. That’s what makes forgiveness important.
We all know what it takes to seek forgiveness. To do it properly, the one who crossed a line must own the wrongdoing without reservations and request absolution from two sources. The person wronged is the most obvious target. Our Father is the one often overlooked. Still, the doer of the misdeed must take credit for it and plead to be forgiven.
It’s possible to fake the humility and acceptance of blame. To put on an air of really being sorry when it’s untrue. If so, the one wronged may honestly provide amnesty until he-she later finds out by repetition the wrongdoer was lying. At that point, other than in the insane situations of repeat domestic violence, absolution will likely not be forthcoming. Either way, if the culprit slid a line of bull past the one wronged, our Father knows better. At a later point in time, the miscreant will pay for the misdeed and the cost will be far higher.
To be the one doing the forgiving requires empathy and understanding, along with the ability to accept no one’s perfect. The only ones above forgiving those who are honestly sorry … or who seem that way … are those so perfect they’ve never harmed or hurt anyone. The last of us to do that was killed on a cross 2,021 years ago, so I think the rest of us are in the other group.
Back to me, since I’m in the crosshairs on this one. I’m the one who must forgive or take the only other choice. That would be to ban the transgressor from my life. Turn my back on him forever. Yet, what do we do if the one who did the misdeed no longer remembers it? What if he had his own motivations, wrong or not, to do as he did? Even if he apparently now regrets it, am I “big enough”, mature enough, loving enough to put it behind me?
The situation: day before yesterday I brought my dog home from the pound. We had a so-so first day and a much better second day. Instead of only him fawning all over me anytime he had a chance, I went to him a few times. It seemed to calm him a good deal. To take the edge off his project to drown me in affection so he’d be assured a home. Since I lived 4⅓ years without a home, dwelling in my car 1,592 days and nights, one would think I’d “get it” in that regard.
Today was his first day of “Bill’s hours”. I went to bed just before four o’clock and slept in until noon. I delayed too long after I fed him and was astounded to see him peeing on my rug right in front of me. I yelled like crazy, then put on his lead and took him outside. Nothing. All he’d do was sniff things. Frustrated, I brought him back inside. Ten minutes later, he peed on the rug a yard from the first place.
I was enraged! I stopped the process, leashed him up, and outdoors we went. I got the same nothing as before. Man, was I pissed off! With no more urination, I left the house an hour later to run three errands. When I returned home, my worst fears were realized. He’d gotten atop the kitchen table, destroyed a box of candy, (all gone now), strewed litter all over the living room floor, and even chewed on Kadiak de Kodiak, my pet stuffed bear! That’s not all! He also took a dump! In four places! Right where he’d peed on the rug!
Yeah, I yelled. I cursed and swore. I smacked him a couple times. Not hard enough to cause an injury, but I’m sure it hurt. When he continued groveling and wouldn’t get away from me, I even kicked him twice. Like I said, I was severely pissed off! This was our third day together and this is what I get out of him?
I considered taking him back to the Humane Society. That’s how mad I was. Then I realized, Hey, he’s a dog. Maybe he was angry or hurt at being chewed out for peeing on the floor. In part, that was my fault for the delay. Maybe he didn’t think it was wrong? Nope. He knew better. I could tell by the way he greeted me. So, he had his reasons, whatever they might be, and I need to make a decision. What should I do? That was my question.
A compromise was struck. I can forgive, sometimes reluctantly, but I do piss-poor at the art of forgetting. I still have a plastic-coated wire cable with padlocks on it. It’s a safekeeping tool I devised when I had my two Irish wolfhounds. One goes around the neck, the other was used to attach the dog to something unmovable. As docile as they are, an Irish wolfhound could be stolen very easily. This time, however, I’ll use it to make sure my new dog, a transgressor, doesn’t get free to destroy anything else. I’ll do it until … whenever.
Without question, The Holy Spirit will let me know when it’s been long enough. We’re supposed to forgive, but I recall nothing in God’s words saying I must forget. Dismiss it from my thoughts. So, I won’t. If you choose to e-mail me something biblical saying God did say so, you’ll be wasting your time. I never forget being wronged. Not ever.
This is a familiar takeoff on the old expression: if the dog bites you once, that’s the dog’s fault. If the dog bites you twice, that’s your own damned fault! I’m not gonna be bitten twice. So, I’ll forgive him. For a while, every time I leave the house, he’ll get a reminder I forgave him … and he’ll know what I forgave him for doing.
I’m just sayin’.
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Believe you made the right and only decision for all concerned. Enough said.
Bib n Tucker
Hi Bill. Very glad to hear that you now have a dog. Please remember that you have no idea what this guy experienced previously. He may never have been trained properly at all, or he may be having a sort of nervous attack because of his new surroundings. I had a similar annoyance with a cat. One thing I always hated was walking in someone’s house as a guest and having my nostrils assailed by the smell of cat pee. So, with my own cats I do everything right in order to avoid having that unpleasant odor around. Anyway, a wonderful cat who had been using his box properly for years suddenly started peeing all over the place, including on the kitchen floor! At first, I was very angry about this, as anyone might imagine. And talk about feeling “humbled”: As the person who hates walking in a place smelling like cat pee, here I was grumbling, mad-as-all-heck, and scrubbing rugs and floors like a madman. Anyway, I later learned that my cat was serously ill, and that was what was causing the behavior. After the vet’s diagnosis, about all I could do was keep my little friend comfortably confined not far from his box until he finally was in too much pain and had to be put to sleep. He was a good little guy and I miss him, but I can’t pretend he did not have me at the screaming insanely point a few times until I realized what was going on. Anyway, I hope you can find a way to solve your problems with your new “roommate”. I am sure you know very well that it takes quite a while for a dog or a cat to get to know and trust a person. Right now, to the dog, you are just a human being who has suddenly become very big in his life. There has not been time for him to learn what you expect of him. Keep giving the friendship your best shot, Bill.
I tried my best, Rocky, but it didn’t work. I took him back this morning.
Bill
Bill, I am sorry to hear that, but you are the only one who knows the reality of your situation, and I respect that. If you get another dog, maybe a small dog would be a better choice. It sounds like you got a large dog similar to those you had in the past.
You are a year-or-two older now and maybe can’t hop around like you did 20 years back, so possibly an older small dog of some sort would work out and be a great household companion. Just a thought…
“Rocky”
Wow-Bill
You kicked the dog?? Really??
I’m having a problem reconciling the guy who stands on his soap box bemoaning the horrid circumstances you found awaiting you for 1592 days. Still,how can a person who advocates for improving the plight of the homeless so passionately, KICK THE DAMN DOG ?? The blush is off your particular rose my friend.I’m sure you must see the irony involved. You treated that poor dog just as you were treated so recently,As a matter of fack, I’m working my way through the same situation with a new pet. No “holier than thou” intended here,I just know the answer to a pet problem is never hitting or kicking him. Turns out, my pet’s problem stemmed from a parasite he picked up at the shelter. I’m just so surprised at you Bill.I’m glad you took him back to the shelter. At least he’s safe there and you don’t have to worry about forgiving or forgeting.
I didn’t have to approve this comment, but I’m not a man who hides things. However, I do occasionally omit things or forget to mention them. When I “kicked him” it was with stockinged feet to push him away. I misstated what happened and can appreciate your reaction. My bad for not reporting it accurately.
All I was trying to do was keep a frantically apologetic animal who knew he’d done multiple wrongs away from me. I was so pissed I didn’t give a damn if he felt bad for being caught at what he did.
Bill
I’m really sorry to hear how things turned out. Have to admit, when I read about Blue, I was immediately concerned that it wouldn’t be a good fit. Having adopted a shelter dog with issues myself almost a year ago now, I know firsthand the challenges they often pose and the lengths to which they can stretch our patience. I am still dealing with some separation anxiety (insecurity) with my dog, Gabe. Anyways, my thought was that an older dog (not necessarily elderly but well past puppy stage) with a known past (housebroken etc) would be a good match. A young active dog simply cannot be expected to just adapt itself overnight to a sedentary lifestyle and it was not fair to expect that of Blue. I don’t want to dogpile on you but I do hope that readers will remember this saga should they decide to bring a dog into their home in the future. It is crucial to take breeding, temperament and activity level into consideration, as these can be good indicators of how well a dog will fit into a household. With so many dogs available for adoption, I have no doubt there is a dog that would have “jelled” with you and become that buddy you were looking for. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.
Sara
My mistake was in not seeing it as well as you have in what you wrote. “IF” I had the energy I possessed 10-15 years ago, knowing as much as I do about training dogs, I’d've probably been the best match for Blue. However, “IF” is the longest word in our language. Because of the cancer, and in large part because I’m much older now and more “sedentary”, as you mentioned, I’m not the one who should have him.
Again today I received a call from the Humane Society asking me to send pictures of the “bite” on my other wrist. I refused and told them there was no “bite”. That dog has enough problems without me contributing to anything likely to get him euthanized. He angered me terribly by what he did, but not enough for me to take part in a chain of events sure to get him killed.
I can only hope he learns from the experience as well as I did.
Bill
From what you related, Bill, it sounded as though you had what might be called a “dog house dog”, not an apartment dog. Back in the Midwest, I knew some people who had more or less acquired stray dogs who could not stay in a house because they would behave just about the way this dog did. The dogs that come to mind had never been trained properly when they were young. They were hopeless in relation to what you would expect in a well-trained city dog, and the people who ended up with them did not have the time or knowledge for good dog-training. But they did have plenty of room to keep the dog without annoying the neighbors. Actually, these dogs became beloved family pets. But out of common sense and necessity they spent a lot of time in the pen around the doghouse, although the dog owner’s would be good to the dog, feed it well, make sure it was kept warm in the winter, let the kid’s play with it, etc. But these were doghouse dogs. In a city apartment they would be disasters. I think it is unfair to give any animal credit for human morality. In my view, no animal can “wrong” me, but they certainly can “hurt” me.
I love dogs myself, but I am not around enough to give them the care and exercise dogs need, and I know it would not be fair to have a dog and leave him shut up to much. In the community where I live only small dogs are allowed. Some of my neighbors have great little dogs they think the world of. I have no problem with the “small dog” rule: the last thing the neighbors would want would be big dogs barking and bounding around. But since I am not home enough to do a small dog justice, I stay content with my cat, who is really a pretty amazing critter. We have some great conversations…
That’s a definite possibility, Rocky. Blue has had an estimated two minutes training in his life before we met. I was already making progress with his “mouthing”. He has very limited ability to control the bite pressure when he does it and did make both my wrists and hands bleed a few times. I was also making a huge dent in his insecurity by the end of the second day. What I couldn’t handle was the mass destruction he wreaked inside my house, along with defecating and urinating on my carpet to retaliate for what he perceived as not enough attention.
As I remarked in the comment above, what he needs is someone with my knowledge of dogs along with the energy I had 10-15 years ago. I simply don’t have what it takes to guide and correct such an unruly animal now with my cancer and the loss of vigor brought on by being 63-years old.
Thanx for understanding.
Bill
hi bill,
i have 2 dogs 3 cats and a ball python.the best behaved and easiest to care for is my snake bouncing betty.she eats once a week and poops and pees maybe twice a week.does not require walks.lol i love my little critters i could never physically correct any of them.however working in vet work for 5 years i know that everyone raises and trains their dogs differently.the country folk down south here are really hard on their dogs.i had to learn to accept that is the way they do it.hope u find your perfect partner.i dont think a small dog is ideal for you aside of the health problems they develope you have to have the love for tiny breeds and if your normally a large dog lover its hard to love little ones.i agree you need one that is older than a pup had some training etc.always keep in mind no matter how trained news smells and environment can activate the territory marker not to mention you had blue use the restroom in your house the next dog with those high senses could possibly smell a linger of that and attempt to cover it with his own.keep us posted.thanks.